Social Anxiety: More Than Just Shyness To Me

What exactly is social anxiety? Is being shy the same as social anxiety? Oh, it is definitely more than that. Social anxiety is defined as “the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression”. The past ten years or so have seen much more exposure on mental health. The following is a personal anecdote of my journey with social anxiety as a 20-something Malaysian man.

"MENTAL HEALTH" spelt out in Scrabble pieces.
Mental health issues can be somewhat puzzling to many. It’s important to get help in putting the pieces together to make sense of things.
Image by Natasha Spenser from Pixabay

Disclaimer: Always consult a trained therapist/psychologist if you need help and/or support.

What Would They Think?

Ten years ago, even five years ago, if you were to ask me to introduce myself to a group of ten people, I would start sweating, my insides would feel like they’re writhing and my hands would go cold.

I would then get the agonising part of introducing myself over with and would feel like crap after. The agony doesn’t stop there. Days after the ordeal was over I would still find myself cringing over how awkward my ten-second introduction was.

In school, I wondered how it was so easy for my peers to talk to people from other schools at tuition, how the other teenagers could easily decide to meet up with other kids they met online and go to gigs or just hang out.

When I started university and got into volunteering, I would look in awe at my friends who could easily have a chat with the other volunteers they’ve never met before. The Internet told me that university was where I was supposed to go all out with the networking.

A group of people discussing with each other, free of social anxiety.
Many great things start with collaborations. Like the people in the image above, I wanted to be part of a collective work.
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

What Should I Do?

What was I doing? I knew I wanted to overcome this hurdle in order to get to know more people. I knew I had to overcome this social anxiety if I wanted to make the most out of life. After all, people are our biggest assets and there’re lots to learn from each other.

I WANTED to be acquainted with people from all walks of life and deep down I also wanted to be a respected person. Fast-forward to today, I am proud to say that I have overcome social anxiety. The following are steps I took to overcome it:

1. Understand Social Anxiety

To solve any problem, the first thing you do is get to the root of it. When you’re trying to get rid of weed growing in your garden, you don’t just pull out the shoots, you pull out the whole thing. So ask yourself, what is causing this problem? What is the source of all this anxiety? I deduced that the root of all the social anxiety I had was a fear of what people might think of me. This brought me back to my childhood.

Growing up, parental figures around me constantly tried to control me whenever I misbehaved as a child. The typical question was always “What would people think?”. Shame plays a huge role in our Asian culture, and in my case, Malaysian Malay culture.

“Losing face” or “jatuh air muka” was a huge part in conditioning me to be acutely aware of eyes around me whenever I am in public. But I knew this couldn’t be it, other kids from similar cultural backgrounds seemed to be doing fine.

A woman with social anxiety with hands covering her face.
Shame plays a huge role in shaping the way we navigate the world.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

What was it about me that makes me take this concept of “losing face” to another level? That’s where my psychology minor came to the rescue. We learn in psychology that every brain is different. Just like how different people have different thresholds to spiciness, the same goes to how we react differently in social settings.

This knowledge from psychology enabled me to forgive myself. At the same time, I knew it wasn’t my fault that I was like this. Ingrained or not, I knew I could change (just like how people can get used to spicy food). This brings me to my next step.

2. Know That Social Anxiety Is Not Permanent

Going back to psychology, we learnt another theory called brain plasticity. It is the theory that our brain has the ability to reshape itself according to our usage of it. I knew that it was possible to learn social skills just like any other skills. I changed my perspective of social skills being something inherent to something that can be learnt and honed.

3. Read, Read, Read About Social Anxiety

I spent hours consuming content pertaining to social skills. But the book that really saved my (social) life was Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People. The book was my Bible for the longest time and I am eternally grateful to have read it. There is a lot of literature on this topic. This made me feel less alone knowing that many out there share the same struggles.

A person referring to their phone writing notes in a book.
There are lots of resources available online and offline on social anxiety, social skills and everything pertaining to it.
Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Even to this day, I still watch self-help YouTube videos from time to time. One particular favourite of mine is The School of Life. This channel covers a lot of topics in regards to the human condition including human relationships. How To Stop Worrying Whether Or Not They Like You is one of my favourite videos on this channel. There are even historical and philosophical perspectives thrown in. Give it a watch!

4. Be More Social

Now that I have decided to go on this self-learning journey, and having had consumed quite an amount of content on social skills, it was time to put what I have learnt to the test. I started talking to the classmate I never talked to before.

I walked the route where there were more people where I was forced to say ‘hi’ to my acquaintances and classmates (in the past I would always pick a different route where I wouldn’t bump into people), ask questions in class, say ‘hi’ to strangers when I went clubbing on the weekends and just simply participate more in social settings.

5. Start Small

It WAS hard at first. I started small by doing the aforementioned things for months before venturing into bigger things.

Since starting this journey, I have gone from merely being comfortable with medium size groups of 5-10 people to much bigger crowds. In my former company, I used to even sing for the department annual dinner (20-year-old me would have never imagined!) and at present, I am generally at ease around strangers and in crowded places.

6. Don’t Be Afraid Of Failures

There is bound to be failures along the way when it comes to learning new skills. In the initial phase, I found myself still getting anxious midway through a conversation with a group of people. This often made me act in a certain way that was awkward for them. Sometimes I do relapse and get back into the toxic cycle of overanalysing something I said or the way I acted.

I constantly reminded myself to be forgiving and cut myself some slack in such cases. I reminded myself that I am still learning and that people usually don’t give two hoots about me. How they think of me is none of my business. This mental habit is definitely learnable.

A poster saying "YOU GOT THIS".
You have what it takes to take anything on! Believe in yourself. Always remember the words above. YOU GOT THIS!
Photo by Prateek Katyal from Pexels

Going back to me singing for my department annual dinner (which I did not just once), that was a huge leap of faith that I took. So much was at stake in terms of me “losing face”. But I breezed through the songs (despite feeling like puking on stage) and ended my performance with the crowd going wild. It was one of the best feelings! At that moment, I felt so much pride in myself for taking this ‘risk’.

Alain De Botton, founder of The School Of Life, talks about the importance of self-compassion.

Social Anxiety’s Got Nothing On You!

So there you have it. Those are the things I did to get over my social anxiety. I would like to remind my readers though that this is my personal journey and it might not work for you. Everyone is different.

To summarise what I have written: know what you have to fix, get all the information you need to work on this, start small, don’t be afraid of failures and if you ever do fail, always forgive yourself, because, at the end of the day, we are all still learning (also check out The School of Life on YouTube!).

If you feel like you can’t do this on your own, you should always consult the help of a professional therapist who can help you with this. I have personally been to The Mind Faculty. They offer a variety of services ranging from psychological assessments to addiction treatment.

If you want to familiarise yourself more on this topic, you can start by reading this very personal article about anxiety. Always remember that you are not alone in this.

If you think you are suffering from social anxiety, what would you do?
12 votes

This article is part of Espoletta’s CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility) initiatives.

About Hakim HAMDAN

Linguistics graduate with a minor in Psychology, Hakim has interests that range from the boring to the eccentric, like working out while searching for the next gastronomic adventure. He's also into reading up random topics, thrift shopping, slow fashion, sustainability, and of course, sociology, psychology and linguistics.

20 Replies to “Social Anxiety: More Than Just Shyness To Me”

  1. Pingback: Newsflash: Extroverts Can Hate Small Talk Too! - Espoletta

  2. There are also a number of longer-term signs that you could be suffering from social anxiety. You may find that you regularly experience several weeks of intense anxiety, including difficulty in eating or sleeping, in advance of any social event, or an occasion where you will have to speak in front of a group. Possibly you will find you are unable to go anywhere on your own and always have to bring a friend with you, or that you regularly need to drink alcohol before a social occasion.

  3. An astonishing account of the idiosyncrasies of a social anxiety survivor! Reading this made me feel as though I was talking to an empathetic friend and fellow sufferer who truly understands, and to whom I can fully open up to. Yes, always remember to be kind to each other (and yourself!). There’s no need to beat yourself up for being socially inept. Baby steps and all: it gets better!

    • You’re right, Karen! It does get better. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Glad you feel that way because one of my goals is to let people know that they don’t have to go through their struggles alone. Help is out there! Cheers!

  4. Really insightful article on the personal experiences of what many others go through on a daily basis. Especially appreciated the “what should I do?” section. Kudos Hakim!

    • Hello, Kevin! Thank you for your input. Glad you found this article insightful. We will be touching more on mental-health issues (and other topics as well) in future articles so watch this space!

  5. im so happy that youve written a piece about this, because a lot of people still dont understand about the issue and they’d just brush it off thinking it would go away eventually. thank you for sharing your experience and provide tips along the way 🙂

    • Hi, Julianna! Thank you and I’m happy you took the time to read and also leave a comment. We all could use a little help here and there, and that is why we should keep the conversation going! Let’s normalise seeking help and talking about mental health issues. Watch this space as I will be sharing more on mental health-related matters. At the same time, do check out the other articles here on Espoletta! Cheers!

  6. Although social anxiety is no stranger to all but most people are still unaware of this. Grateful to have stumble upon this article where it reminded me that social anxiety is still very real, and that we all should be mindful towards one another. Thank you for the tips and I’m so proud that you’ve overcome social anxiety like a bad b! sending lots of positive vibes to you!!

    • Thank you, Natalie! Yes it’s important to always remember to be kind to each other. We never know what someone is going through. And yes, we must keep the conversation on mental health going. Watch this space as there might be more mental health-related articles up. Sending lots of positive vibes back!

  7. I agree with the Malay culture on being ‘malu’ thing. It really doesn’t help with overcoming social anxiety. Good read

    • Thank you for the five stars! It is quite a personal story and I thank you for taking the time to read this.

  8. great writing, very touching and personal, and appreciate the emphasis on seeing a professional regarding this as social anxiety is something really serious and not just “nervousness”

    • Thank you, Jason! Appreciate you taking your time to read and leave a comment. Do check out the other articles on Espoletta as well!

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